


Skyhold Presents: Sex Machine Jim

by mahbecks



Series: Bets and Bows [1]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Banter, Bets, Bondage, Cock Rings, Crack, Cullen in a Bow, Dildos, Dorian Strutting Around Like a Chicken, Explicit Language, F/M, JIM THE SEX MACHINE, M/M, Mentioned Vaginal Sex, Mentioned oral sex, Sex Toys, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-07
Updated: 2015-07-07
Packaged: 2018-04-08 04:23:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4290693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mahbecks/pseuds/mahbecks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Cullen finds out a rather unsettling truth about his least favorite messenger in Skyhold, Jim, and suffers the consequences of betting against Dorian.  </p><p>This tells the story of the bet between Dorian and Cullen mentioned in my other work "Get on Your Knees".</p>
            </blockquote>





	Skyhold Presents: Sex Machine Jim

**Author's Note:**

> This is entirely crack. Don't take it seriously.
> 
> Sex Machine Jim is a wonderful idea first suggested by the lovely whenwewereoceans, and elaborated upon by the equally wonderful RedHawkeRevolver and bushviper! They must be given credit for their fantastic stories and ideas involving SM Jim, who is now canon as far as I'm concerned. Also, RedHawkeRevolver gets full credit for the cock ring :) hahahahaha I sincerely hope I do this justice in their eyes!
> 
> This is meant as a prequel to my other story, "Get on Your Knees" and details the bet between Dorian and Cullen. You don't HAVE to have read that one in order to understand this one though.

“Would you consider yourself a betting man, Commander?”

Cullen looked up from the chessboard. Dorian was appraising him, fingertips pressed together. The mage had a devious smirk on his lips, and his eyes were twinkling with excitement. He’d long since stopped paying attention to the chessboard; his last few moves had been clumsy at best, and Cullen could tell his head wasn’t in the game.

It was very suspicious.

He frowned. “That depends,” he replied. “Why are you asking?”

“Oh, no reason,” Dorian said, waving a hand. He reached out and moved a chess piece flippantly. Cullen snorted at how bad of a move it was; Dorian wasn’t exactly a grand master, but he had a good game. What in Thedas was bothering the mage?

Cullen sighed. “Clearly you have some rationale, or you wouldn’t have asked,” he said, taking Dorian’s knight easily. “You also wouldn’t have made such a careless mistake.” He brandished the knight victoriously in his hand.

Dorian looked down at the chessboard then as if seeing it for the first time. He blinked at how few pieces he had remaining on the board, but then rolled his eyes. “I have to let you beat me sometimes, Commander,” he said dismissively. “Otherwise there would be no living with you.”

“ _Let_ you beat me?” Cullen snorted. “I must be remembering our games a little differently than you. Because I seem to recall myself sticking it to you rather often.”

“Hmmm, no, that isn’t ringing any bells,” the mage said. “Trust me, Commander, if you’d stuck it to me – I’d remember.” He grinned wickedly.

Cullen rolled his eyes at the innuendo. But it was his own fault. He’d set himself up for that one.

“Besides, we have more important things to discuss than chess today!”

“Then why did you practically beg me to play with you?” Cullen demanded. That wasn’t fair to him – he had a great deal of responsibility, and there were many demands on his time. If Dorian was just being frivolous…

“A ruse,” the mage replied, chuckling. Cullen scowled at him, and made to push himself out of his chair. “Now, now! Hold up, Commander! Don’t you want to know what I’m talking about?”

Cullen sighed, sitting back down with a thud. “I suspect you’re going to tell me regardless of my answer,” he said. A wry smile tugged at the corner of his lips against his will.

“Very astute, Commander,” the mage replied. He stood then, beckoning for Cullen to follow. “Come. To the ramparts!”

* * * * *

“What are we doing up here?” Cullen demanded, looking out over the courtyard. It was a busy afternoon. The sun was shining, the air was warm, and as a result, there were more people than usual in the courtyard. Off-duty soldiers were talking amongst themselves in small groups, merchants were hawking their wares to anyone who passed them by, and the Herald’s Rest was buzzing with activity. But nothing was out of the ordinary, leaving him to wonder what Dorian had brought him up here for.

“Do you know all of your messengers by name?”

Cullen sighed. Dorian _would_ avoid the question. He looked over at the mage, who was looking out at the courtyard clearly searching for something. “Of course I do,” he replied, taking a step closer to his friend. He looked out in the same direction, searching to see if there was something he wasn’t noticing.

“Have you ever met one named Jim?”

Cullen’s brows snapped down into a scowl. “Jim,” he growled out. Oh, yes. He fucking knew Jim. The stupid twit had interrupted his first kiss with Evelyn. He would never forget Jim. “Yes. We’ve met.”

Dorian turned around and raised an eyebrow at the vehemence in his voice. “Am I sensing a bit of bad blood here?” he asked.

“No,” Cullen snapped, and that was all he said of it. There was no need to relive the story of his first kiss with the Inquisitor. It was embarrassing enough for _him_ to remember; Dorian would likely find the event hilarious. And of course the mage would find ways to bring it up as often as possible. 

“You are lying,” Dorian sniffed. “But no matter. I’ll let you get away with that today. So!” He took a step forward and lowered his voice, a conspiratorial gleam in his hazel eyes. “I may or may not have heard the most _delicious_ piece of gossip in the kitchens this morning.”

“Oh?” Cullen asked, doing his best to sound interested. “And what does this have to do with Jim?”

“It has _everything_ to do with Jim,” Dorian replied, chuckling. Cullen frowned. What did the mage mean?

Jim was one of the most ordinary people Cullen knew. The man was of average height, average weight, average looks, and perhaps slightly _lower_ than average intelligence. He did his job passably well, but he could certainly do better. He had a tendency to spend more time in the tavern than on the training field, which was probably why, from what Cullen had seen during group exercises, the man barely knew one end of a blade from the other.

So what was Dorian talking about?

“I have it on good authority that Jim is the best kept secret in Skyhold.”

Cullen blinked. “I don’t follow you,” he replied.

“Jim is apparently an absolute catch for the ladies,” Dorian continued excitedly. “As in, they all want a piece of him!”

“… are we talking about the same Jim?”

Dorian considered for a moment. “I certainly believe so,” he replied. “Rather average man, yes? Easier to find in his cups than doing anything worthwhile with his time?”

“No, that’s Jim,” Cullen said, puzzled.

“Well, apparently, he’s in the wrong profession!” Dorian mused. “I hear he’s _particularly_ well-endowed.”

Cullen scowled over at the mage. “I’ll believe that when I see it,” he snapped. As soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted them. Dorian chortled with amusement at his slip, and he rolled his eyes. “That’s not what I meant. I don’t want to see that.”

“Well, I do,” Dorian said suggestively.

“How do you even know this?” Cullen demanded.

“I told you – I heard some women in the kitchens discussing Jim’s _talents_ this morning.”

“And you believed them?” Cullen asked flatly.

Dorian blinked at him, and cocked his head to the side. “Should I not?” he asked.

Cullen snorted. “What’s more believable, Dorian – that the women in the kitchens are talking about someone else, or mistaken, or just being terrible gossips, or that Jim is an animal in bed?”

Dorian peered at him intently for a moment. “You don’t like Jim,” he said calmly. He put a finger to his mustache then. “I don’t know why, but you don’t.” He paused a moment. “Let’s make a bet.”

“Oh, no, you don’t,” Cullen said quickly, putting his hands up.

“Hear me out!” Dorian said quickly. “You don’t believe me about Jim, hmm? I bet that if you can track down the women he’s slept with, you’ll have to eat your words.”

Cullen snorted. “I am not tracking down women and asking them whom they’ve slept with recently,” he said. “That’s entirely inappropriate!”

“Then I’ll track them down,” the mage snapped. “Will you at least question them with me, or is that too beneath your station?”

“I’ll… question them with you,” Cullen relented. “But we won’t ask them anything… untoward.”

Dorian chuckled. “Untoward?” he repeated. “Commander, we’re going to be asking these women to describe their most intimate encounters with a man that they _should_ be ashamed to even be seen with!” He laughed outright then. “There will be _nothing_ appropriate about these conversations.”

Cullen sighed. “I don’t like this,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest.

The mage smirked at him. “Afraid of losing, are we?” he asked. “My, my, Commander… I never took you for a coward!”

“I’m not a coward!” Cullen snapped.

Dorian tucked his hands under his armpits and began strutting around, making clucking noises at him. Cullen scowled. “You look ridiculous!” he snapped, but that only seemed to encourage Dorian. “You make a terrible impression of a hen!”

That stopped the mage in his tracks. He sighed, exasperated. “Commander, I am a _rooster_ ,” he explained, sounding terribly offended. “I am a magnificent gamecock, with the most brilliant plumage you have ever seen!” He scoffed, shooting Cullen a dark look. “ _Hen_ ,” he muttered under his breath. He took a moment to compose himself before continuing. “My point stands, however. You are a chicken.”

“I most certainly am not,” Cullen huffed.

“Prove it,” Dorian goaded him. “Take the bet.”

“Without agreeing to the costs?” Cullen snorted. “Don’t count on it.”

Dorian considered this new angle, and then nodded. “Alright,” he agreed. “What must I do if, against all odds, I’m wrong and Jim the messenger is not a randy sex god?” He smirked. “Do your worst, Commander.”

Cullen thought about it for a moment. Dorian wasn’t the type to get easily embarrassed; there were a number of situations that would mortify Cullen in which Dorian wouldn’t even be fazed. In fact, he would probably _relish_ the attention. So what would be something that really affected Dorian? He didn’t want to be mean; they were friends, after all. But it had to be something good, for he was sure Dorian was going to find a way to punish him appropriately if he lost the bet.

Ah. He smiled. He had it - something appropriately mortifying, but not cruel. “If you lose the bet,” he began, “You have to tell the Iron Bull that you love him.”

Dorian’s smile slipped a few degrees, but he didn’t hesitate in replying. “And if you lose, as you are _so_ going to, you have to greet the Inquisitor naked in her quarters when she returns from her mission.” He smiled devilishly. “With a bow.” His eyes flicked down to Cullen’s trousers. “Wrapped around your naughty parts.”

Cullen flushed. What?! Had he heard the other correctly? Judging from the smug look on Dorian’s face, he’d heard right. “You’re serious?” he choked.

“Oh, I never joke about wrapping presents, Commander.”

“What if she isn’t alone?” Cullen spluttered. What a ridiculous idea!

Dorian chuckled. “Invite them to join you,” he suggested. “Evelyn might not be as opposed to the idea as you think.”

Cullen scowled at the mage. “What does that mean?” he demanded.

“It’s what I would do in your situation,” Dorian clarified. He cleared his throat then, and stuck out his hand. “What’ll it be, Commander?” He cocked his head to the side. “Yea, or nay?”

Cullen considered for a moment. He really didn’t want to tie a bow around his cock and present himself, naked, to Evelyn. It wasn’t so much the presenting as the idea of someone else walking in on him. What in Thedas would he say to explain himself? He wasn’t sure he _could_ explain that one away. But on the other hand…

What were the chances that Dorian was actually right about Jim? Slim to none? Cullen couldn’t bring himself to give the idea a moment’s credence.

He took the mage’s hand and shook it firmly.

“Prepare your confession, Dorian.”

Dorian chuckled. “Oh, no, Commander,” he said, grinning. “It’s you who needs to gird your loins.”

* * * * *

“It was undoubtedly the most erotic night of my life.”

Cullen blinked in confusion as the woman before them sighed, a wistful look on her face. Her cheeks were dusted with pink, her eyes lost in the memory she was replaying in her mind. He looked over at Dorian, frowning. The mage was grinning at him unabashedly.

“Can you elaborate for us, my dear?” Dorian asked, taking a step closer to the woman and sitting down next to her. Cullen didn't miss the wrinkling of the mage's nose - did she smell or something? But he continued on with the investigation admirably. “I’m afraid my friend here might not know what you mean by ‘erotic’.”

Cullen scowled at him darkly.

“Oh, it was wonderful,” the woman gushed, clutching her hands before her chest. “I never knew I was so flexible! Can you touch your toes to the ground behind your head while you’re on your back?” she asked Dorian suddenly.

“I can only wish I was that flexible,” Dorian sighed, eyes glued to Cullen’s scornful expression. He was having far too much fun with this.

“And then he picked me up and took me standing up!” The woman giggled, leaning into Dorian as if to tell him a dirty secret. “I’ve never come more than once in a night before.”

Cullen snorted. That merely meant she had terrible taste in men. If a man couldn't make his woman orgasm more than once in a session, he wasn't worth her time. You had to pick someone with endurance, after all. _His_ personal record was four. Evelyn had slept until three the next day.

“Never?” Dorian asked. He patted her knee. “I’m terribly sorry about that. You should always go for the man with the firmest rump. I’ve found they tend to have the most stamina.”

She frowned. “What has that to do with it?” she asked.

“Nothing,” Cullen said quickly. The woman looked over at him with a bit of surprise, as if she’d forgotten he was standing there. “And you’re sure this was Jim?”

The woman shot him a dark look. “I know who I let into my bed,” she snapped. “I don’t take just anybody who wants a tumble.”

“Of course not,” Dorian said quickly. “You’ll have to forgive my friend here. He has a headache.” Cullen rolled his eyes. “Is there anything else you could tell us?”

The woman paused, her blush returning. Her eyes flicked from Dorian to Cullen rapidly, and a tiny giggle came out of her mouth. “Well…” she started. “You mustn’t tell anyone.”

“Our lips are sealed.”

She leaned in then, her voice a whisper. “He did this thing with his tongue…”

* * * * *

“What kind of woman has such horrid taste in men that she can’t find one to-”

“Perhaps it isn’t the men,” Dorian said tartly. He gave Cullen a knowing look. “She did have a certain… smell, about her.”

“So what, Jim has no boundaries?”

Dorian shrugged. “Maybe his nose doesn’t work,” he allowed.

Cullen shook his head. “This is ridiculous,” he said. “And it proves nothing. Did you see her? She wasn’t exactly… fetching. Beggar's can't be choosers, you know.” He scowled. “Even if you have to choose Jim.”

The mage smirked. “I thought you might say that,” he said. He waved a hand, setting off in another direction. “Which is why I prepared two more confessions!”

With a sigh, Cullen set off after him.

* * * * *

“Oh, it was magnificent,” the woman cried, her accent heavily Orlesian. “The most wonderful lover I have ever had!” She sighed. “I only wish that I could have kept him.”

“Kept him?” Cullen asked. “Like a pet?”

“As a husband!” the woman snapped. Cullen couldn’t see most of her face because of the mask she wore, but he had a feeling she was giving him a most baleful glare. “You do not let men like that go!”

“Men like that?” Dorian repeated. “Could you elaborate on that for us?”

The woman sighed again. “I fear I can do him no justice!” she cried.

Cullen rolled his eyes. “Then why did you agree to talk to us in the first place?” he demanded.

“I did not say I would not talk,” the woman snapped. “But I cannot do his exquisite form justice!”

“Exquisite form?” Dorian repeated, hiding a laugh behind a hand.

“Yes, yes, let me see… how do they say this in Ferelden?” The woman put a gloved finger to her mouth, considering. “Ah! Yes! He is hung like a horse!” She laughed delicately. “Never have I seen his equal!”

“Hung like a horse?” Dorian repeated.

“Yes.” The woman held her hands out in front of her then, perhaps ten inches apart. “Like so!”

“Maker’s breath,” Cullen muttered. He looked over at Dorian; the mage didn’t actually believe this, did he? But his friend looked quite amused, and not a small bit impressed.

“So he was able to pleasure you most satisfactorily?”

“Oh, yes,” the woman remarked. “He is also quite skilled at games.”

“…games?” Cullen asked slowly. Dare he go down the path this conversation was heading?

“Love games!” the woman agreed. “He is quite a naughty little man. One time, he tied me to the bed and pretended to ravage me like a barbarian! And another time, we tried to see how long we could go without making the other climax!” She sighed. “I lost, of course. I was hopelessly outmatched.”

Cullen could think of nothing to say.

“And sometimes he would pretend to be a great chevalier in the Orlesian army!” the woman continued. “I would be his princess, and he would have to rescue me from the clutches of evil!” She smirked. “I did not mind losing that one.”

Dorian chuckled. “I’d say not,” he replied. “But I am afraid that we must be going. We have taken far too much of your time already.”

“No, no!” the woman cried, standing up. “You mustn’t leave!”

“What is it?” Cullen asked.

The woman ran to him, clutching his arm with a strength that belied her demure appearance. “You must take me to him,” she whispered passionately. “I love him! I cannot take one more minute apart from him!”

“I don’t think that would be appropriate,” Cullen said, trying to peel the woman’s hand from his arm. Maker, but she was strong! She had his arm in a vice grip!

“You must!” the woman cried, sniffling. Cullen shot the mage a panicked look. “I’m begging you! Please help me get him back!”

“Surely you can’t marry a commoner?” Dorian asked, moving to try and help Cullen.

“I don’t care!” she sobbed, tears now streaming down her face. “I love him! He is the only man for me!” She beat at Dorian’s hands wildly, thrashing about in her silk skirts. “There can be no other! He has ruined me for all other men!”

The two of them finally succeeded in getting the woman off; she fell to the floor in a hysterical heap of tulle. “Run!” Dorian cried, scrambling for the door.

Cullen didn’t need to be told twice.

* * * * *

“Maker’s breath!”

Cullen put his hands to his knees, trying to catch his breath. They had run all the way back to his office, fearful that the woman’s cries would draw attention to them. She had run after them for a while, but thankfully, Orlesian fashion didn’t lend itself well to athletic endeavors. They had managed to give her the slip.

“Where did you _find_ these people?!” Cullen demanded. “Maker take them all!”

“Well, never let it be said that Jim’s taste in women wasn’t eclectic,” Dorian wheezed, falling down into Cullen’s desk chair. He waved a hand. “I have to admit though, I am finding myself duly impressed!”

Cullen snorted, straightening. “One more, you said?” he asked. “Or have we seen enough for today?”

“One more,” Dorian said. His head lolled back with a sigh. “Give me a moment.”

“There had better be only one,” Cullen said darkly. “I have real work to do.”

“Such as losing the bet?” Dorian suggested. He smirked at Cullen.

“Not a chance.”

“Such confidence!”

“Shove off, Dorian.”

The mage stood up then, his breathing returning to normal. “Alright, then. Let’s go. I saved the best for last.”

* * * * *

“He’s a very naughty boy.”

Cullen couldn’t help but stare at the last woman Dorian had found. She had long, luxurious red hair and glittering green eyes. Her speech had the Starkhaven brogue to it, and she smiled with almost every other sentence. When she wasn’t smiling, she was laughing, which made her _very_ generous bosom nearly burst out of the tiny dress she’d stuffed herself into.

To say he was distracted was an understatement. It was up to Dorian on this one.

“I like naughty boys,” the mage replied, making the woman laugh.

No, no, no, he should not be staring at her breasts! Cullen looked away, over to the window, hoping to see anything else. _Evelyn_ , he thought, _think of Evelyn and her perky little breasts and round ass_ \- The woman laughed again, and his eyes were immediately back to her voluptuous frame.

 _Damn_.

“Gave me this, he did,” the woman said, pulling out what looked to be a very large ring. There were several large diamonds on it; it must have cost a fortune. “Told me some Orlesian noblewoman gave it to him as a present. Bloody woman wanted to marry him, she did.” She held it out for them to inspect and Cullen reached a hand out to take it.

“Don’t touch that!”

Dorian smacked his hand away just as the ring fell into his palm. It fell to the floor with a clank, and the woman hastily moved to retrieve it. Cullen shot him a questioning look. “ _You don’t know where it’s been!_ ” the mage hissed.

Cullen looked at the ring again. Now that he thought of it, it was far too large for a hand. Even the Iron Bull’s fingers weren’t _that_ thick. But then what was it used for? And where could it have…

He flushed scarlet as realization hit him. The woman laughed at his mortification, which didn’t help matters. “Maker’s breath,” he muttered, turning away pointedly. He looked down at his gloved hand in disdain; he’d have to burn that glove later. There was nothing else for it.

“So Jim is that kind of naughty,” Dorian mused.

“Oh, aye,” the woman replied. “He’s got a whole box full of ‘em. Some of the toys are harmless, but others are quite involved.” She chuckled. “Likes to stick things up me arse, he does.”

“You have got to be joking,” Cullen muttered.

“Oh, no,” the woman said. He turned around, surprised that she’d heard him. She was smiling, of all things, not the least bit embarrassed at her confessions. “He’s very… imaginative.”

“You do enjoy these things, yes?” Dorian asked quickly.

“I’ve never had a better fuck in me life!” the woman exclaimed. “He’s got a talent, that one!”

Cullen scowled as Dorian shot him a knowing look. This was ridiculous! How was it possible that Jim, of all people, was so… so good?! It didn’t make any sense! Men like Jim were supposed to be mediocre in all aspects of their life. Including and _especially_ in the bedroom. This was not how this was supposed to go!

“You cheated,” he said suddenly, staring at Dorian hard.

“Cheat? Me?” Dorian sounded quite offended. “Commander, you wound me!”

“You knew he was this… this…”

“Beastly?” the woman supplied helpfully.

“Yes,” Cullen snapped. “You knew Jim was a beast in bed, and you still let me bet against you!”

Dorian inspected his nails calmly. “I seem to recall telling you as much,” he said lightly. “But you didn’t believe me.” He cocked his head to the side. “Could it be that your personal feelings got in the way of your better judgment?” He smirked. “Tut tut, Commander. That’s no good at all.”

“You are a terrible person,” he huffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

“And you are a sore loser,” Dorian crowed. He turned to the woman, who had been watching the exchange between them with a very puzzled expression upon her face. “You may leave, my dear. Thank you very much for speaking with us.”

“Of course,” she said, hopping to her feet. She paused at the door, turning back to look at them. “Oh, and Commander – ever fancy a tumble, I work in the kitchens. Name’s Lyda. You’re no Jim, but your face is a pretty picture.”

Cullen swore as she giggled and scampered from the room. He refused to look at Dorian as the mage sauntered over to him. His friend sighed, leaning against the doorframe.

“Try not to be too disappointed,” the mage said sympathetically. “And look on the bright side – you look fantastic in red!”

Cullen glared at him. “Thank you so much for that,” he snapped.

“Sarcasm, Commander?” Dorian smirked. “I didn’t think you had it in you!”

Cullen pushed away, stalking off to another corner in the room. He still couldn’t believe this. He’d… he’d lost? Jim was secretly the Maker’s gift to the women of Thedas? He shook his head.

This was really not his day.

* * * * *

“I look ridiculous.”

“You look fantastic,” Dorian preened, surveying Culllen’s appearance.

“Stop looking!” Cullen snapped, glaring at his friend. “You are taking advantage of this situation!”

Dorian blinked. “What did you expect?” he asked flatly. “I’ve been trying to get you out of your pants for months.” He chuckled. “Who knew it would be Jim the messenger who finally enabled me to do it?”

Cullen stared at himself in the mirror. Following the rules of the bet, he’d removed all of his clothing and allowed Dorian to present him with a red silk bow. It had been difficult to tie the thing on. Dorian had offered to help, but he’d shooed the other man away with a dark look.

He did not need help tying a bow on his dick.

Especially not from Dorian, who would enjoy it entirely too much.

“How long do I have to wait here?” he asked.

“Oh, the latest reports have the Inquisitor arriving within the hour,” the mage replied. He grinned. “You shouldn’t have too long to wait.” He motioned to the bed. “Go ahead then – settle in.”

“I hate you for this,” Cullen snapped, lying down on the bed and covering himself with a pillow. He’d remove it for Evelyn, but he was quite done with Dorian’s ogling.

Dorian chortled at his discomfort. “Oh, I know,” he replied. “But you’ll forgive me. You always do.”

Cullen scowled. The mage was probably right. He had done many an annoying thing to Cullen since they’d moved to Skyhold. But Cullen had always forgiven him. Dorian had a way of disarming him, worming back into his good graces. Evelyn had a similar talent. Perhaps they were in cahoots, and compared notes on him behind his back. It wouldn’t surprise him in the slightest.

“You can leave now,” he said to the mage, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Must I?” Dorian whined. “This will be so much fun!”

“You are not watching,” Cullen said firmly.

“You’re no fun,” Dorian pouted. But he stood up and made to leave the room. He shot Cullen a wicked glance over the banister. “Maybe I’ll go find Jim. He’s just a bundle of fun!”

Cullen rolled his eyes. “Fucking Jim,” he muttered.

“That’s the idea, Commander!”

Cullen scowled.

 _Fucking Jim_.

This was all his fault.

He sighed, looking down at his body. He had to say, he didn't look... bad. Strange, yes, but not bad. Perhaps Evelyn would even like it. They weren't timid in their own exploits of pleasure. She mind find the bow enticing. 

He frowned. Well, then, if that was the case...

He grabbed his cock, beginning to stroke himself to hardness with slow movements.

It wouldn't do for her to find him completely limp, now would it? 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! If you're so inclined, tell me how I did? :)
> 
> Long live SEX MACHINE JIM!


End file.
